The Not-So-Nice Girl!

Don't you feel like you're on a lucky streak when you win the top line in a game of housie within 2 minutes of the start of the game? Suddenly the adult in you who thought “this game is so lame” starts becoming even more alert to hear the next numbers in spite of being dizzy after those 5 pints of Budweiser, and the child in you keeps screaming “Yay!” and whispering “touch wood” each time under your breath while softly touching your head. 

For those who don't know what a “touch wood” is, let me elaborate… a “touch wood” is a gesture that we Indians make to break away from any kind of jinx. More like “nazar na lag jaaye.” Now you must be wondering that it's strange we touch our own heads instead of something made of wood while saying touch wood. Well that's simple, we all Indian kids grew up hearing our mothers yell at us, “why can't you study and get good marks in spite of taking extra private tuitions” and then our father's throw some light on the subject “bheje mein bhusa bhara hua hai is ladki ke!” “Absolutely right Dad! I was born with straw (equivalent to wood in this scenario) instead of a brain. Now did I inherit that from Mom or you?”

Anyhow, so where was I?… oh yes, “housie”. So after the top line, in another couple of minutes you win the 4 corners… “Yay!” …”touch wood.” Now you have won 2 five stars lying in front of you on your table and with everyone else eyeing them devilishly. Then you remember what your friend at work said the last time she caught you eating chocolates alone “akele akele kha rahi hai, pet dukhega” and you've been brought up with values that teach you to share. “Damn you society!” So before you know it, you've already "shared" the whole of your hard earned prizes. Now don't tell me it wasn't hard earned. I'll see how easy it is for you to figure out the right numbers to punch on the housie ticket after 5 pints of beer. 

As you part with your dear five stars you realise that you are better off by not adding those extra calories to your hips. See now that's again that boring adult in you giving you more crap. You should have just listened to the little child in you and had those five stars right away even before they reached your table from the prize table. Be selfish!

Finally after the 6th pint, you attain enlightenment, kind of how Buddha attained enlightenment sitting under that tree, except you were sitting in a corner of the terrace, high on stuff I can't name here ;), that there was no point in being a nice girl, sometimes it's more fun being the not-so-nice girl and just give in to whatever your heart wants, chocolates, the latest iPhone after selling your kidney, that Bangkok trip with single or non single friends ;), that last drink or fag, dumping that crappy boyfriend, the walk in the rain without an umbrella, that indecorous date, making that sacrifice for a close family, the jump with a bungee, that solo Ladakh trip… I'm sure you've got the theme here. The adult in you will eventually figure a way out like make you hit the gym for some extra time as a consequence to those five stars. And suddenly life felt all sorted out on its own :)

After all, when you're old, you won't regret the things you have done, as much as the things you never did ;)

P.S. I had no intentions of disrespecting anyone in this post. If I have hurt your feelings in any way then please... keep it to yourself! :P

How to lose a few pounds.

Now that I have your attention, I should clarify I'm not going to tell you my sad story of how I lost money in London. I'm going to tell you the secret to losing weight. Tips that no one tells you but, man, they work as hell. Excited? Yeah, so am I. I know with the beginning of the New Year and with a lot of you making resolutions about getting slimmer, you'd be pleasantly surprised to know that I'm not selling you any shady diet plans. All I ask is do you have the adventure in you to pick up any of the following?

1: For the Elite - Have you, the chubby SoBo-ite, ever wondered how that NoBo-ite at your work or college manages to stay slim always? I'll tell you how. All you have to do is catch a Virar local everyday, twice a day- a south bound train before you head to your destination and a north bound train before you get home. You will get better results if you catch the train and drop off at a random station such as Mira Road. Since you won't get any place to even stand on your 2 feet (forget about getting a seat), you'll get a good exercise just standing there and there's also a complimentary body massage in it for you. Darwin got it right, it's the survival of the fittest. As you learn to survive the ride, you'll grow fit along with losing weight.

2: For the Finance Professional- You are the blessed one. All you have to do is excel at your work and meet every compliance deadline there is to meet. Those late night sittings at work, the skipped breakfasts and dinners, the mental pressure of completing the work, the anger of the pissed off family who barely sees you, all of these are a blessing, believe me. 31st March closings are perfect time. You can start your warm up from Feb and by the time you reach the due date for filling the annual returns your non finance colleagues are going to be jealous of the inches you lost. That's not all,  you can try this at other times of the year as well. 30th June for the MNC employees, 17th October for the listed companies, 30th November for all others, 15th January for the VAT Audit, ...SOX compliance, Internal Audits, oh and did I mention all year round Tax Assessments. You'll be the slimmest looking person in your company getting the employee of the year award. Two birds with one stone.

3: For the Cheesy Chicks: So you have a loving boyfriend who adores you? Just perfect. All you have to do now is break up with him. Surprised? Well, hear me out. When you break up, you'll be too sad and heart broken to eat anything at all. Ditch all those people who say you should eat ice cream to make yourselves feel better. They are only jealous of you and don't want you to look pretty. Think about it. How could you indulge or even have an appetite when you are mourning your lost relationship. Just accept the heart break and give in to your lack of appetite and you'll be in better shape for the next boyfriend. And this benefits both you and your ex boyfriend. Wondering how? Read on.

4: Bira Blonde: This one is my favorite. Not the weight loss technique, the beer. All you need to do is check your weight in the morning, have 4 pints of Bira Blonde in the evening and check your weight the next day morning. I guarantee, you will have lost at least a kg. And this is how you will be helping your ex boyfriend. He could be getting sloshed post breakup and losing weight as he drinks up those pints, thinking of you. If you need company to try this one, I'm available.

5: The Last Resort- If nothing else works, adopt a little baby. As the naughty little one grows, you'll be exercising all day long, picking up his toys, cleaning his mess, running all over the house to make him eat, keeping an eye on him all the time and not to forget, the sleepless nights. You can repeat all these exercises every 2 hours. You'll also have little time to feed your own self while you're at it and you'll soon get to be the hottest mom at his school. This one is the toughest but also the most fulfilling. 

With these secret tricks, I wish you all the luck. I'm sure you will achieve your weight loss resolution. And even if you don't, hell, I'm not giving you any money back guarantees here. Try at your own risk. But when you do see the wonderful results, send me your before and after pics and I'll make you a celebrity right here on this blog.

A three lettered word.

I should start with a disclaimer for all you perverts who's first thought after reading the title was about getting laid. Stop reading now! Others please go on.

Here's a question that all of you will have a positive answer to. Have you ever had a falling out with a close friend? I know you have, so quit lying to yourself. It's not like you need to be Raja Harishchandra. Now here's the more pressing question... Did you get back together with that friend? Guess not, huh?

Did you ever wonder why? When I ask why I don't really want the dirt on your pal that you are dying to bitch about to anyone who asks. What I want you to think about is what stopped you from making things right. If your answer was that the son of a bitch stole your girlfriend then I can't help you there buddy. But if you feel that even 10% of it was because of your EGO, then we may have something in common there apart from the God gifted good looks ;-)

Not 4 months ago I went through the same thing. With not just one friend but a whole bunch of them. It's taken me a lot of time and efforts and whole lot of money (my Company's) to make me realise what a stupid thing that three lettered word can be, especially when you team it up with ASSumption. You don't have to completely blame yourself because more often than not, it's a two laned street.

But do you know how frigging easy it is to get past it? No, I'm not suggesting you go kill someone, you psychopath! In fact I'm talking of a plan that takes way less efforts and planning, but yeah, it could take you the same amount of courage. I've come to realise that we all need to discover the Sanjay Dutt inside us, not the one who shelters fugitives or gets high on drugs (okay, it's your personal choice, whatever man!), but the one from Munnabhai MBBS. He kept harping about the power of a simple "jaadu ki jhappi", but people like us always manage to ignore it's magic.

A simple 10 seconds long hug can make everything go away. All the hurting, all the misunderstandings, all the b***hing, all the bickering, basically all the bad things that end with an"ing". And yes, it takes courage to approach and get that HUG. Funny, how a simple three lettered word can beat the shit out of a complicated three lettered word.

This one goes out to all my friends in my office, whether you count me as a friend or not right now. I feel like giving special thanks and mention to the one person who made it possible - JD, and you know why. And a big hug to Sandy for making everything right. I just feel like I've been a fool for the last few months, instead of talking it out, I just shut myself up. To make things easier I might just put up a sign on my desk which says "Feeling down? Get a FREE HUG now" as part of my personal CSR ;-)

Let me know what you think of this idea. And stop waiting for the seasons to change, go out right now and get that friend back.

Hitchhiker's guide from SoBo to NoBo

A disclaimer - this post is not for those who swear by the local trains, nor is it for those who have their own vehicle (although if your vehicle has any more than two wheels, I totally understand your pain). Also this post will teach you what to expect on your joyride at which points in time so that you know what you are getting into, especially during the monsoons.

So you thought you've had a brilliant day at work, didn't run into any troubles, didn't get whipped by your boss, didn't get a dozen calls from your girlfriend asking you what you had for lunch, didn't get any calls from the wife instructing you about the grocery list to bring home in evening,... Don't you think God is being peculiarly good to you today?

Just when you thought you could proclaim yourself as invincible, there God was smirking at what he had planned for you. Very casually you bid farewell to your mates in office at 5:30 pm just to make them jealous that you got to leave early. You stepped out of the office thinking I'll take a cab straight to home. With barely touching the peak hour traffic you could make it in an hour and fifteen minutes. You would get so much more time to spend at home with your little one. I completely see your point, nothing should have gone wrong with this brilliant plan of yours.

5:35 pm you are out on the road hailing a cab. Each one stops to hear you but keeps moving on. And you thought they would never refuse to take you since it's a long drive.

5:55 pm you have covered the entire 500 meters radius around your office but there's no cabbie willing to take you home. Dejected you start walking towards the train station. God thought that won't be fun. So after 25 steps towards the station, you magically get a cab.

6:10 pm you cross the sealink and meet the traffic jam awaiting you near Kalanagar on the Western "Express" Highway. However, you are still hopeful this is just till the Kherwadi signal.

6:45 pm you just crossed the Andheri flyover. Your cabbie says, Madam I can't go any further, my back hurts and I'm running out of gas. Can I get you another cab from here. You think it's fine as long as you get another cab or auto.

7:00 pm your cabbie takes a hard cut at Jogeshwari into the service lane promising you will get a cab here. You being the victim of the situation have no choice but to continue having faith in him.

7:30 pm your cabbie is unable to get you an alternate cab, auto or even a shared taxi. Not even an AC bus. All along it continues to drizzle while you are carrying your office provided laptop on your back. If it rains any heavier, forget about going home, your worry will be how to manage the home loan EMI when they recover the value of the laptop from your salary.

7:45 pm there's a private bus passing on the highway which is willing to take you till Borivali. After being stranded for an hour you would have even taken a ride with Yamraj on his Ox. So you jump in with some hope of reaching home before midnight.

9:30 pm you pass over the Borivali National Park. You realise this bus could take you a couple of kilometers further. So you stick back with it.

9:45 pm before you realise it, the bus takes the exit right before the Dahisar Check Naka. You quickly jump off and now you have to find an auto in the pouring rain. You continue walking towards your home while hunting for an auto but can't find one. Suddenly there's a car honking right behind you, adding to your annoyance. "O Madam!" yells someone. You turn around to see an auto wala calling out to you. Him and his current passenger took pity to your plight and decided to drop you home. You thank your stars that you didn't have to walk 4 km all the way home and swear to become a champion at commuting in virar locals for as long as you live in Mumbai.

If you reached till the end of this post, I'm sure you will think twice before taking the road even on an off day.

Continue watching for this space for more commuting guidelines.

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No more Amchi Mumbai!

So when you voted for the BJP in April 2014, did you really think that your “Achhe Din” would start right from the day Mr. Modi takes his oath? If yes, then Who The Hell Are You Kidding!!! There are already so many people talking about the damn “Achhe Din” not being anywhere in the visible future, so I don't want to add to it directly. However, I think our country's infrastructure should be a big concern for Mr. Modi. Especially in the financial capital of the country.

I know I can't keep complaining only about,
1- the overcrowded local trains (be it western, central, harbour or even your metro “skyride”),
2- trains running slow because of water logging on tracks (yes Harbour walas, I totally understand your plight),
3- the poor traffic management (your so called “Express” highways which have traffic running slower than your neighbourhood galli),
4- the roads that take months to repair and have broken down within one heavy shower (read Dindoshi flyover),
5- the inadequate BEST bus service (yeah, you should be ashamed of calling yourself  “BEST”),
6- the AC buses which often break down on the road (and that includes all you AS-70, AS-2, AS-74 and all your cousins too running on the eastern express side),
7- The auto walas who refuse to go by the meter (and then you expect us to be okay with their damn fare hikes? So that they can now off-the-meter demand more as well),
8- the cabbies who only want to go if you are travelling 30 km or more (and what creative excuses they can come up with – my back hurts, my cab is low on gas, I have to change shifts, run off to show you that he’s going to get his friend to pick up your fare, will go only if you take sealink – as if he’s going to pay the damn toll, and so on…),
9- the increasing tolls for roads that grow miserable with every passing season (and I don’t see the money I pay getting utilized for fixing the broken roads, yeah I am going to support MNS on this one, although their little act was just for the freaking elections where they didn’t win a single seat – do your act the whole year round and you might just get lucky next time Raj),
You see the list keeps on growing on its own.

I just don't understand what the hell am I paying taxes for – that's not just Direct but also Indirect (for you Mr. layman, Direct means Income Tax/TDS and Indirect means VAT/Service Tax, Excise, Customs and the lot). I don't think it's worth slogging a whole 10 hours in office and another 5 hours just to travel to and back from the slog-house. You have no way out because even in your dreams you can't consider getting a house close to your office. So you end up stuck in the above daily commuting woes (all those of you who are lucky to inherit your father’s house within the city limits, please be generous enough to have your colleagues crash in too).

If the Prime Minister could read this, I'd like him to know that it's not about having your picture in the newspaper everyday. It's about building your country, every region with total fairness. Develop other cities, give companies tax breaks to encourage them to move, take off the burden of ever increasing population from the local trains in Mumbai and its roads. Give a chance to those remote villagers looking to fulfill their dream of making money in the city of their dreams, just change the city of their dreams to some other town instead of Mumbai. Give a better choice to these people living under the flyovers and on the footpaths of Mumbai. I have never seen so many slum dwellers in Kolkata or even Delhi. I finally see what my friend “PP” meant when he suggested there should be visas for moving between states.

If I have to continue spending more and more time commuting with every passing day, at this rate, I'd rather be a full time mommy than an employed professional. And if my boss is reading this, how about a full time work from home option? I'll forego the salary I spend on conveyance. I'll even add half the time I save on commuting to actual productive work. The appraisals are right around the corner. Think about it.

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Tried and Tested

Before I proceed, I'd just like to let you boys/men know that this may not be a topic you particularly like. But of course if you want your girlfriend to look like a pretty doll without burning a hole in your pocket, you may wanna read on and let her know about my blog too.

So what is the one thing that we girls worry most about our body or looks? (Ok boys, you are not invited to answer this question, because I'm not taking about something that grows in pairs). As for the girls, no I'm not taking about the tyre around your midriff... Think above the midriff, (boys, still keep your mouths shut), I'm talking about the hair on your head. Yeah, that's right!

We girls worry so much about our hair that we loose a ton of them just plain stressing about them. And I know this even better because I have a crazy cousin who has twice as much hair as me and thinks she's going bald. Just to reassure you my darling little sis, you look beautiful the way you are.

Anyhow, I know a lot of you girls swear by the Livon n Sunsilk 9 to 5 solutions. So I'm here to open your eyes to something that's 4 times better (don't ask me how I measured!) I'm taking about the Brillare Hair Serum. One of my cousins gifted this bottle to me and man is it effective! Makes Livon look like plain water. Thanks Dee. And you need to take my word for it because this is coming from a head full of dry, curly, frizzy, thin hair that also swears by anti dandruff shampoos. Once you apply this, you can expect soft hair for the next 4 days without spending on hair treatments at some salon (There you go boys, that's your money saving tip)

Wanna know where to get a bottle? Well, google it yourself. They are not paying me to sell their product, so you have to go figure yourself. And boys, we live in a metro sexual world, so having soft, smooth hair won't hurt you either. In fact, your girlfriend won't be able to stop herself from running her fingers through the remaining hair on your head ;-)

If you do manage to get your hands on a bottle, do let me know if you agree with me... Wish you all girls, Happy Hair Days till the end of eternity!
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Happy Mumbaiyya Monsoons!

Don't know about you guys, but I'm sure excited about monsoons returning to Mumbai. To me this is the best season of the year in Mumbai. Just love watching the rain even if they don't let me get wet in the rains. For some reason I just think it's too beautiful.

Don't you just love the sound of it, like a buzz that's so cheerful, the scent of the wet earth, the people running about looking for shelter, the kids splashing about in the puddles, the fun of having chai n some garma garam pakodas, the tiny droplets coming through the window kissing your cheeks, the boys playing football (don't you think it's only because of the FIFA Fever), the frogs croaking (makes you wonder where did they come from, were they hibernating for the last 9 months!), the street people fishing in the gushing gutters for those fishes that look like eel (yeah more you know why ur parents told you to avoid eating fish in the rainy season), every morning you hear the same "8 bajkar 20 minute ki churchgate local aaj radd kar di gayi hai. Aapki asuvidha ke liye khed hai" (and you wonder if they are really regretful or are they just sadistic!), you finally get to bring out that umbrella from your closet.

You wait all week just for the weekend so that you can finally get that car out and drive up to Lonavla, just to realise the entire population of Mumbai and Navi Mumbai also did the same, and now you are stuck in traffic for 8 hours standing still without even getting close to Lonavla. Would be a shame to tell this to your friends, so you pack yourself a box of chikkis from the food court on the express highway on your way back, whenever that happens, so you can brag about your Lonavla trip to your colleagues while they munch on those evidential chikkis. And just imagine you are walking down the road in the beautiful rains holding the umbrella tight in the wind, and a car passes you by speeding away to it's destination, oblivion to your existence, and the next thing you know, you are all wet in the muddy water it splashed everywhere... Yeah that's monsoon too for you chhatri-owners. You might think for a split second of being oversmart and bringing the umbrella down to your side to save you from the splutter of mud, but the rain gods were watching the puny you, and they wanted to have some fun, so you see you were too late to implement your smartass idea. And now you are headed to office in dirty clothes. What a shame!

So don't blame it on my monsoon, it's just not your day!

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