Hitchhiker's guide from SoBo to NoBo

A disclaimer - this post is not for those who swear by the local trains, nor is it for those who have their own vehicle (although if your vehicle has any more than two wheels, I totally understand your pain). Also this post will teach you what to expect on your joyride at which points in time so that you know what you are getting into, especially during the monsoons.

So you thought you've had a brilliant day at work, didn't run into any troubles, didn't get whipped by your boss, didn't get a dozen calls from your girlfriend asking you what you had for lunch, didn't get any calls from the wife instructing you about the grocery list to bring home in evening,... Don't you think God is being peculiarly good to you today?

Just when you thought you could proclaim yourself as invincible, there God was smirking at what he had planned for you. Very casually you bid farewell to your mates in office at 5:30 pm just to make them jealous that you got to leave early. You stepped out of the office thinking I'll take a cab straight to home. With barely touching the peak hour traffic you could make it in an hour and fifteen minutes. You would get so much more time to spend at home with your little one. I completely see your point, nothing should have gone wrong with this brilliant plan of yours.

5:35 pm you are out on the road hailing a cab. Each one stops to hear you but keeps moving on. And you thought they would never refuse to take you since it's a long drive.

5:55 pm you have covered the entire 500 meters radius around your office but there's no cabbie willing to take you home. Dejected you start walking towards the train station. God thought that won't be fun. So after 25 steps towards the station, you magically get a cab.

6:10 pm you cross the sealink and meet the traffic jam awaiting you near Kalanagar on the Western "Express" Highway. However, you are still hopeful this is just till the Kherwadi signal.

6:45 pm you just crossed the Andheri flyover. Your cabbie says, Madam I can't go any further, my back hurts and I'm running out of gas. Can I get you another cab from here. You think it's fine as long as you get another cab or auto.

7:00 pm your cabbie takes a hard cut at Jogeshwari into the service lane promising you will get a cab here. You being the victim of the situation have no choice but to continue having faith in him.

7:30 pm your cabbie is unable to get you an alternate cab, auto or even a shared taxi. Not even an AC bus. All along it continues to drizzle while you are carrying your office provided laptop on your back. If it rains any heavier, forget about going home, your worry will be how to manage the home loan EMI when they recover the value of the laptop from your salary.

7:45 pm there's a private bus passing on the highway which is willing to take you till Borivali. After being stranded for an hour you would have even taken a ride with Yamraj on his Ox. So you jump in with some hope of reaching home before midnight.

9:30 pm you pass over the Borivali National Park. You realise this bus could take you a couple of kilometers further. So you stick back with it.

9:45 pm before you realise it, the bus takes the exit right before the Dahisar Check Naka. You quickly jump off and now you have to find an auto in the pouring rain. You continue walking towards your home while hunting for an auto but can't find one. Suddenly there's a car honking right behind you, adding to your annoyance. "O Madam!" yells someone. You turn around to see an auto wala calling out to you. Him and his current passenger took pity to your plight and decided to drop you home. You thank your stars that you didn't have to walk 4 km all the way home and swear to become a champion at commuting in virar locals for as long as you live in Mumbai.

If you reached till the end of this post, I'm sure you will think twice before taking the road even on an off day.

Continue watching for this space for more commuting guidelines.

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No more Amchi Mumbai!

So when you voted for the BJP in April 2014, did you really think that your “Achhe Din” would start right from the day Mr. Modi takes his oath? If yes, then Who The Hell Are You Kidding!!! There are already so many people talking about the damn “Achhe Din” not being anywhere in the visible future, so I don't want to add to it directly. However, I think our country's infrastructure should be a big concern for Mr. Modi. Especially in the financial capital of the country.

I know I can't keep complaining only about,
1- the overcrowded local trains (be it western, central, harbour or even your metro “skyride”),
2- trains running slow because of water logging on tracks (yes Harbour walas, I totally understand your plight),
3- the poor traffic management (your so called “Express” highways which have traffic running slower than your neighbourhood galli),
4- the roads that take months to repair and have broken down within one heavy shower (read Dindoshi flyover),
5- the inadequate BEST bus service (yeah, you should be ashamed of calling yourself  “BEST”),
6- the AC buses which often break down on the road (and that includes all you AS-70, AS-2, AS-74 and all your cousins too running on the eastern express side),
7- The auto walas who refuse to go by the meter (and then you expect us to be okay with their damn fare hikes? So that they can now off-the-meter demand more as well),
8- the cabbies who only want to go if you are travelling 30 km or more (and what creative excuses they can come up with – my back hurts, my cab is low on gas, I have to change shifts, run off to show you that he’s going to get his friend to pick up your fare, will go only if you take sealink – as if he’s going to pay the damn toll, and so on…),
9- the increasing tolls for roads that grow miserable with every passing season (and I don’t see the money I pay getting utilized for fixing the broken roads, yeah I am going to support MNS on this one, although their little act was just for the freaking elections where they didn’t win a single seat – do your act the whole year round and you might just get lucky next time Raj),
You see the list keeps on growing on its own.

I just don't understand what the hell am I paying taxes for – that's not just Direct but also Indirect (for you Mr. layman, Direct means Income Tax/TDS and Indirect means VAT/Service Tax, Excise, Customs and the lot). I don't think it's worth slogging a whole 10 hours in office and another 5 hours just to travel to and back from the slog-house. You have no way out because even in your dreams you can't consider getting a house close to your office. So you end up stuck in the above daily commuting woes (all those of you who are lucky to inherit your father’s house within the city limits, please be generous enough to have your colleagues crash in too).

If the Prime Minister could read this, I'd like him to know that it's not about having your picture in the newspaper everyday. It's about building your country, every region with total fairness. Develop other cities, give companies tax breaks to encourage them to move, take off the burden of ever increasing population from the local trains in Mumbai and its roads. Give a chance to those remote villagers looking to fulfill their dream of making money in the city of their dreams, just change the city of their dreams to some other town instead of Mumbai. Give a better choice to these people living under the flyovers and on the footpaths of Mumbai. I have never seen so many slum dwellers in Kolkata or even Delhi. I finally see what my friend “PP” meant when he suggested there should be visas for moving between states.

If I have to continue spending more and more time commuting with every passing day, at this rate, I'd rather be a full time mommy than an employed professional. And if my boss is reading this, how about a full time work from home option? I'll forego the salary I spend on conveyance. I'll even add half the time I save on commuting to actual productive work. The appraisals are right around the corner. Think about it.

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Tried and Tested

Before I proceed, I'd just like to let you boys/men know that this may not be a topic you particularly like. But of course if you want your girlfriend to look like a pretty doll without burning a hole in your pocket, you may wanna read on and let her know about my blog too.

So what is the one thing that we girls worry most about our body or looks? (Ok boys, you are not invited to answer this question, because I'm not taking about something that grows in pairs). As for the girls, no I'm not taking about the tyre around your midriff... Think above the midriff, (boys, still keep your mouths shut), I'm talking about the hair on your head. Yeah, that's right!

We girls worry so much about our hair that we loose a ton of them just plain stressing about them. And I know this even better because I have a crazy cousin who has twice as much hair as me and thinks she's going bald. Just to reassure you my darling little sis, you look beautiful the way you are.

Anyhow, I know a lot of you girls swear by the Livon n Sunsilk 9 to 5 solutions. So I'm here to open your eyes to something that's 4 times better (don't ask me how I measured!) I'm taking about the Brillare Hair Serum. One of my cousins gifted this bottle to me and man is it effective! Makes Livon look like plain water. Thanks Dee. And you need to take my word for it because this is coming from a head full of dry, curly, frizzy, thin hair that also swears by anti dandruff shampoos. Once you apply this, you can expect soft hair for the next 4 days without spending on hair treatments at some salon (There you go boys, that's your money saving tip)

Wanna know where to get a bottle? Well, google it yourself. They are not paying me to sell their product, so you have to go figure yourself. And boys, we live in a metro sexual world, so having soft, smooth hair won't hurt you either. In fact, your girlfriend won't be able to stop herself from running her fingers through the remaining hair on your head ;-)

If you do manage to get your hands on a bottle, do let me know if you agree with me... Wish you all girls, Happy Hair Days till the end of eternity!
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Happy Mumbaiyya Monsoons!

Don't know about you guys, but I'm sure excited about monsoons returning to Mumbai. To me this is the best season of the year in Mumbai. Just love watching the rain even if they don't let me get wet in the rains. For some reason I just think it's too beautiful.

Don't you just love the sound of it, like a buzz that's so cheerful, the scent of the wet earth, the people running about looking for shelter, the kids splashing about in the puddles, the fun of having chai n some garma garam pakodas, the tiny droplets coming through the window kissing your cheeks, the boys playing football (don't you think it's only because of the FIFA Fever), the frogs croaking (makes you wonder where did they come from, were they hibernating for the last 9 months!), the street people fishing in the gushing gutters for those fishes that look like eel (yeah more you know why ur parents told you to avoid eating fish in the rainy season), every morning you hear the same "8 bajkar 20 minute ki churchgate local aaj radd kar di gayi hai. Aapki asuvidha ke liye khed hai" (and you wonder if they are really regretful or are they just sadistic!), you finally get to bring out that umbrella from your closet.

You wait all week just for the weekend so that you can finally get that car out and drive up to Lonavla, just to realise the entire population of Mumbai and Navi Mumbai also did the same, and now you are stuck in traffic for 8 hours standing still without even getting close to Lonavla. Would be a shame to tell this to your friends, so you pack yourself a box of chikkis from the food court on the express highway on your way back, whenever that happens, so you can brag about your Lonavla trip to your colleagues while they munch on those evidential chikkis. And just imagine you are walking down the road in the beautiful rains holding the umbrella tight in the wind, and a car passes you by speeding away to it's destination, oblivion to your existence, and the next thing you know, you are all wet in the muddy water it splashed everywhere... Yeah that's monsoon too for you chhatri-owners. You might think for a split second of being oversmart and bringing the umbrella down to your side to save you from the splutter of mud, but the rain gods were watching the puny you, and they wanted to have some fun, so you see you were too late to implement your smartass idea. And now you are headed to office in dirty clothes. What a shame!

So don't blame it on my monsoon, it's just not your day!

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Catching up!

I know you all must be wondering what is it that I have been upto and about all these years (I know, its just 3 years, but I swear I feel like it's been a whole decade since 2011, when I was still a kid, a Potter fan. So let me try to catch you up with what you have been missing blissfully.

Let's begin. I've changed the job - from STAR to VISTAPRINT,
changed homes - Goregaon to Mira Road,
changed mode of commuting - bike to car,
changed my glasses - from a desi one to titan eye,
changed mode of commuting again - car to local train,
changed my family - (no I didn't get rid of my husband, u creep) added a member, my baby boy!
changed my hair style - curly to straight,
changed my weight - 58 to 84 to 76,
changed my phone - Samsung to blackberry (yeah that's a demotion),
changed my mobile network - loop to Vodafone,
changed my..... Ohhh you are still looking for more? I thought you'd have had enough and would be on the verge of destroying whatever device you are reading this on.

In case you really haven't had enough then come back soon. For all others, yeah you have all the info to follow on from here...

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Back on public demand!

A cousin of mine recently started blogging and even bumped into this link. She asked why'd I stop blogging? Come think of it, its not like I had a smartass answer to it. So I blamed it all on the damn job.

If only there were going to be audits conducted on this blog! And even if there were you can be sure to end up answering so many questions that you'd actually wanna quit again. Damn all the chartered geeks!

So anyhow I'm finally back again on public demand! And I know there's a bet going on somewhere out there that I'm not gonna hang around here for more than a week, I'd still tell you to take the odds, who knows you might just turn into a millionaire *wink wink*

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