The Not-So-Nice Girl!

Don't you feel like you're on a lucky streak when you win the top line in a game of housie within 2 minutes of the start of the game? Suddenly the adult in you who thought “this game is so lame” starts becoming even more alert to hear the next numbers in spite of being dizzy after those 5 pints of Budweiser, and the child in you keeps screaming “Yay!” and whispering “touch wood” each time under your breath while softly touching your head. 

For those who don't know what a “touch wood” is, let me elaborate… a “touch wood” is a gesture that we Indians make to break away from any kind of jinx. More like “nazar na lag jaaye.” Now you must be wondering that it's strange we touch our own heads instead of something made of wood while saying touch wood. Well that's simple, we all Indian kids grew up hearing our mothers yell at us, “why can't you study and get good marks in spite of taking extra private tuitions” and then our father's throw some light on the subject “bheje mein bhusa bhara hua hai is ladki ke!” “Absolutely right Dad! I was born with straw (equivalent to wood in this scenario) instead of a brain. Now did I inherit that from Mom or you?”

Anyhow, so where was I?… oh yes, “housie”. So after the top line, in another couple of minutes you win the 4 corners… “Yay!” …”touch wood.” Now you have won 2 five stars lying in front of you on your table and with everyone else eyeing them devilishly. Then you remember what your friend at work said the last time she caught you eating chocolates alone “akele akele kha rahi hai, pet dukhega” and you've been brought up with values that teach you to share. “Damn you society!” So before you know it, you've already "shared" the whole of your hard earned prizes. Now don't tell me it wasn't hard earned. I'll see how easy it is for you to figure out the right numbers to punch on the housie ticket after 5 pints of beer. 

As you part with your dear five stars you realise that you are better off by not adding those extra calories to your hips. See now that's again that boring adult in you giving you more crap. You should have just listened to the little child in you and had those five stars right away even before they reached your table from the prize table. Be selfish!

Finally after the 6th pint, you attain enlightenment, kind of how Buddha attained enlightenment sitting under that tree, except you were sitting in a corner of the terrace, high on stuff I can't name here ;), that there was no point in being a nice girl, sometimes it's more fun being the not-so-nice girl and just give in to whatever your heart wants, chocolates, the latest iPhone after selling your kidney, that Bangkok trip with single or non single friends ;), that last drink or fag, dumping that crappy boyfriend, the walk in the rain without an umbrella, that indecorous date, making that sacrifice for a close family, the jump with a bungee, that solo Ladakh trip… I'm sure you've got the theme here. The adult in you will eventually figure a way out like make you hit the gym for some extra time as a consequence to those five stars. And suddenly life felt all sorted out on its own :)

After all, when you're old, you won't regret the things you have done, as much as the things you never did ;)

P.S. I had no intentions of disrespecting anyone in this post. If I have hurt your feelings in any way then please... keep it to yourself! :P

How to lose a few pounds.

Now that I have your attention, I should clarify I'm not going to tell you my sad story of how I lost money in London. I'm going to tell you the secret to losing weight. Tips that no one tells you but, man, they work as hell. Excited? Yeah, so am I. I know with the beginning of the New Year and with a lot of you making resolutions about getting slimmer, you'd be pleasantly surprised to know that I'm not selling you any shady diet plans. All I ask is do you have the adventure in you to pick up any of the following?

1: For the Elite - Have you, the chubby SoBo-ite, ever wondered how that NoBo-ite at your work or college manages to stay slim always? I'll tell you how. All you have to do is catch a Virar local everyday, twice a day- a south bound train before you head to your destination and a north bound train before you get home. You will get better results if you catch the train and drop off at a random station such as Mira Road. Since you won't get any place to even stand on your 2 feet (forget about getting a seat), you'll get a good exercise just standing there and there's also a complimentary body massage in it for you. Darwin got it right, it's the survival of the fittest. As you learn to survive the ride, you'll grow fit along with losing weight.

2: For the Finance Professional- You are the blessed one. All you have to do is excel at your work and meet every compliance deadline there is to meet. Those late night sittings at work, the skipped breakfasts and dinners, the mental pressure of completing the work, the anger of the pissed off family who barely sees you, all of these are a blessing, believe me. 31st March closings are perfect time. You can start your warm up from Feb and by the time you reach the due date for filling the annual returns your non finance colleagues are going to be jealous of the inches you lost. That's not all,  you can try this at other times of the year as well. 30th June for the MNC employees, 17th October for the listed companies, 30th November for all others, 15th January for the VAT Audit, ...SOX compliance, Internal Audits, oh and did I mention all year round Tax Assessments. You'll be the slimmest looking person in your company getting the employee of the year award. Two birds with one stone.

3: For the Cheesy Chicks: So you have a loving boyfriend who adores you? Just perfect. All you have to do now is break up with him. Surprised? Well, hear me out. When you break up, you'll be too sad and heart broken to eat anything at all. Ditch all those people who say you should eat ice cream to make yourselves feel better. They are only jealous of you and don't want you to look pretty. Think about it. How could you indulge or even have an appetite when you are mourning your lost relationship. Just accept the heart break and give in to your lack of appetite and you'll be in better shape for the next boyfriend. And this benefits both you and your ex boyfriend. Wondering how? Read on.

4: Bira Blonde: This one is my favorite. Not the weight loss technique, the beer. All you need to do is check your weight in the morning, have 4 pints of Bira Blonde in the evening and check your weight the next day morning. I guarantee, you will have lost at least a kg. And this is how you will be helping your ex boyfriend. He could be getting sloshed post breakup and losing weight as he drinks up those pints, thinking of you. If you need company to try this one, I'm available.

5: The Last Resort- If nothing else works, adopt a little baby. As the naughty little one grows, you'll be exercising all day long, picking up his toys, cleaning his mess, running all over the house to make him eat, keeping an eye on him all the time and not to forget, the sleepless nights. You can repeat all these exercises every 2 hours. You'll also have little time to feed your own self while you're at it and you'll soon get to be the hottest mom at his school. This one is the toughest but also the most fulfilling. 

With these secret tricks, I wish you all the luck. I'm sure you will achieve your weight loss resolution. And even if you don't, hell, I'm not giving you any money back guarantees here. Try at your own risk. But when you do see the wonderful results, send me your before and after pics and I'll make you a celebrity right here on this blog.